Sam Spike for President? Sam Visits Oprah Winfred |
The following episode first aired on October 14, 2012 |
Oprah: Let’s all give a
big Oprah Winfred Show welcome to Sam Spike, the
doggy detective! Audience: Enthusiastic
applause! (and some whistling) Sam: Thank you Oprah,
I’m happy to be here. In fact, I’m so happy, I feel
like jumping up on your couch! But Brain advised me
that wouldn’t look “Presidential”, so I’ll try to
refrain. (smiles) Oprah: (laughing out
loud) Ok, Sam – that’s probably good advice. (Oprah leans
in and whispers) “I actually like to do that
myself after the cameras are off, so feel free to
join me then!” (Sam smirks and nods his head) Oprah: I understand
that you are going to run for President in 2016. Sam: I haven’t made
that decision yet. I’m being encouraged to run and
the initial response has been overwhelmingly
positive, but I still have serious reservations. Oprah: Such as? Sam: For one – an
animal has never been President before. And even if
an animal could overcome that hurdle, I have to ask
myself: “Am
I even the best candidate from the Animal Kingdom? I
just don’t have that big of an ego to believe that I
am. Oprah: That’s all part
of your irresistible charm Sam! It’s one of many
reasons that the public adores you! Let’s ask the
audience; should Sam run for President? Audience: Enthusiastic
applause! (some are standing and whistling – even
the camera crew and off-stage help are clapping) Sam: (blushing, and
wagging his tail; faces the audience) I’m
embarrassed and just don’t know what to say . . .
thank you all very much. I love you too! Oprah: (waits for the
crowd to quiet down) Ok, now for some serious
questions. What do you make of this story with
Princess Kate and the naked sunbathing photos being
published? Sam: I haven’t really
thought much
about it. Is this something you believe a potential
presidential candidate really needs to comment on? Oprah: Good point: and
no, not necessarily. But it’s topical and something
that my audience is interested in today. Sometimes
we get clues to a candidate’s personality and
thought processes by asking them questions that
aren’t that serious or don’t pertain directly to
political matters. Sam: Fair enough. (pause) To
tell you the truth, I was actually trying to dodge
the question because I don’t have a popular opinion
on it and I didn’t want to start off by differing
with your audience and possibly offending many
voters. (smiles,
nervously taps his foot) Oprah: (pause) Umm, Sam,
You still haven’t answered the question. Sam: Well, I certainly
don’t condone the invasion of privacy or the
publication of the photos. But first and foremost,
what comes to mind is that I place the primary blame
on Princess Kate! Audience: (Murmuring and
chattering, many angrily disagreeing with the
statement) Oprah: (clearly
surprised and sounding a bit annoyed) Sam, why
do you say that!? Sam: (sternly) Because it’s 2012 and if you are the Duchess of Cambridge, then you voluntarily signed up for these situations. You should know going in that the only time you’ll ever have the reasonable expectation of privacy is when you are indoors with the blinds closed at a secure location. Once YOU decide to step outdoors naked, YOU HAVE to expect that there WILL be photos taken and published! No matter where you are in the world, you should expect that there will be a helicopter a mile away from you, with paparazzi focusing a telescope on you, taking pictures. So given that reality, a reality that you damn well should be aware of, you only have two legitimate options in this situation. 1. You decide to
never go outside in your birthday suit, or. 2. If you do get
naked outdoors then you DON’T complain when the
pictures hit the news! You shouldn’t
have the option to complain about it afterwards,
never mind talk about suing people over it! It’s
about taking personal responsibility for your OWN
actions and willingly suffering the consequences of
those actions, especially when those consequences
are, or should be, fully known to you beforehand!
Not taking responsibility for your OWN actions and
playing the victim card instead is one of the
primary problems with Human society today! Dogs
don’t do it and that’s one more reason why Humans
could benefit by having a dog as their President! Audience: (jaws dropped,
clapping, cheering, whistling and then a full
standing ovation!) Oprah: (stands up,
faces the audience: palms outstretched, with a
look of amazement on her face. After a full
minute, she turns back toward her guest) Sam, in all my
years doing this show, I’ve never seen anything like
this! In the span of one minute, you turned an
audience that was almost fully against you into a
group that is cheering you wildly! Sam: (smiling) I
love it that most Humans know how to respond to a
reasonable argument. Oprah, you have the best
audience! Oprah: Thank you Sam.
You’re right, I’d be nowhere without my audience!
(patting Sam
on the head) I hate to leave right now, but
we have to take a short commercial break.
(after the commercials)
Oprah: I have
incredible news! During the break my producer
informed me that the Nelson ratings show that right
now we have the largest TV audience ever assembled
in the history of daytime television! Interest is so
high that my website and several others have crashed
because so many people are trying to look you up or
comment on your campaign! What do you think about
that? Sam: I am surprised,
but not completely. Brain warned me that this could
happen. It’s mostly because of the novelty of the
whole thing. It’s not because there’s anything that
special about me in particular, it’s just the huge
curiosity factor that’s driving the response. Simply
being on your show catapults me into the mainstream.
But once the novelty wears off and people get used
to seeing a dog run for high office, I’ll start to
get judged on my own merits as a prospective
presidential candidate. I suggest we continue with
the interview as if it’s just a normal day. Oprah: (smiling)
Ok, I’ll try to ignore the current level of hysteria
surrounding us and get back to business. My next
question is: Do you think it’s fair that a dog could
become President before we’ve even had our first
female Chief Executive? Sam: No, I don’t! And
I’ll give up any idea of running if you announce
right now that you want to become the first female
POTUS! And I’ll endorse you myself right on the
spot! (Sam stands and waves his arms, leading the
audience to chant: Oprah!, Oprah!, Oprah!) Oprah: (laughing
hysterically) Sam! You hot ticket! You always
know what to say! I love you! (Oprah
playfully rubs Sam’s belly) _______________________________________________________________________________
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